Wish we had this on the Menu

Just kidding... no I'm not...

What just came out of your mouth?

Just a few things that people have said to me over the years:

1. "Glass of water, no ice, lemon, a straw a seperate cup of ice... Actually, I'll just have an ice tea, unsweetened with a lemon a straw an an extra cup of ice. Wait, your ice tea isn't fresh brewed? Ugh... Then I'll just have the water."
2. "You don't have Bud Light? That's it, I'm leaving! What kind of a place doesn't have Bud Light." (the bar carries 30 different beers at any given time- just no Bud products).
3. "These aren't real shrimp, I'm from Louisiana and I know these aren't real shrimp!"
4. "These sweet potato fries don't taste like the ones we make at home."
5. "Are you guys open?" (doors open, people sitting at the bar, music on etc.)
6. "My medium rare burger is pink!!!"
7. "We have to be at a show across town in 30 minutes. Can we get our food and eat in time to make it?"
8. "We are trying to have a meeting here, is there anyway you can turn the music down?"
9. "We all need seperate checks." (13 people at the table)
10. "These hot wings are hot!"


I could make comments on why all of these statements are ridiculous but I really hope that it's obvious... If it's not obvious to you, please limit yourself to drive-thru dining only.

But I'm just a waitress, what do I know?

Would you like a side of religion with your wings?

Last night I had a great party of seven eat in my section. They were easy customers, that obviously eat out A LOT (no stupid questions, no stupid stuff in general).
I love big parties, and I was on my game last night; cracking jokes, smiles from ear to ear - super cheese was on last night! I ended up challenging the youngest guy to try our hottest wing sauce. After taunts of chicken (wing reference) and "man-ing up," he gave in. The rest of the table (six women) were giddy! They were about to see this boy cry in pain from the Atomic Wing sauce! He tried, he cried, he conquered!
Their bill was $77.90 - my tip $22.10.... And a business card that said, "GOD THINKS YOU'RE SPECIAL"
Hahahahaha.... Yes he does - and I'll take that to the bank!

But I'm Just a Waitress... What do I know?

Stupid Question of the Day

A guy walks into a bar... Just Kidding
A guy walks into a restaurant that has a menu on the hostess stand, people enjoying beer at the bar and a few tables are filled with people eating lunch.
The man then says, "Do you guys serve food here?"

REALLY?..... How are we as servers expected to answer this question politely? Every ounce of me wants to give the guy a GIBBS Slap (NCIS reference) to the back of the head and reply, "You just walked into a restaurant, buddy, what do you think?" But, of course, if that were the answer I gave this half-wit, I would be the one in trouble.

So, instead, we politely say, "Yes Sir, we do serve food, we are serving food right now. Would you like to take a seat and we'll be with you in a moment." (moron)

But, I'm just a waitress... what do I know?

Rules for Customers (Part 1)

I recently found this on Kathleen Wilcox's blog - I am not taking credit for this at all, she has written something profound that I think should be shared. I did however add a few ideas to hers. Here goes:



"There has been much to-do about the recent piece in the New York Times, 100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do – and while it’s a helpful tool of the trade for service staffers, there really needs to be a guide for human beings in general.

So here goes – and this applies to everyone, from Mr. Diamonds-on-the-Soles-of-His-
Shoes Oxford grad who only dines at Per Se, far far above the grubby, unwashed masses, to Mr. Down-n-Out, who only grabs his grub in the local dumpster behind the local In-and-Out Burger joint in his hood.

Please add your observations in comments below: what do your dining companions regularly do that makes your blush with indignation and question to the merits of perpetuating the human race?

9. Waiters do not exist solely to fluff up your faltering ego: Restaurant staffers should always provide impeccable, courteous service. However, licking their clients’ shoe soles or otherwise behaving as if they are 25 leagues below your lofty social status is not in fact in their job description. Getting food to your table is. This also means that the server is not there to laugh at your stupid jokes and be flattered by your lame attempts at "flirting."

8. Waiters are not typically trained at MIT to become rocket scientists only to find themselves bussing bread at their local mall caf: Restaurant staffers are paid (and not well!) to deliver food, beverages, helpful information and polite attention between the kitchen and the dining room. They are generally not geniuses who also happen to possess extra-sensory capabilities, including mind-reading. If they did, they wouldn’t be waiting tables. Adjust your expectations accordingly. Which, for example, means if you wanted split checks, you shouldn't wait until the check is dropped to lecture the server that the check should have been split.

7. On snapping and wild gesticulations: Unless you are a member of a swing band and are about to kick an impromptu concert, refrain from snapping your fingers at the staff or generally making wild check-signing mimes from across the room. Also, do not whistle, yell "hey you" or make that hissing sound that cats make to get your servers attention. The server ALWAYS tells you their name - USE IT!!!

6. Substitutions: If your order requires you to substitute or deviate from an item on the menu in more than two ways, order something else.

5. PDAs: Do not, under any circumstances, take a phone call, text or surf the Web while at the dinner table. And DO NOT make your server wait for you to finish your conversation to tell them you would like an ice tea - they probably have six other things to do at the moment and don't have time to wait for you to tell your Aunt Nancy you are winning big in Vegas. GET OFF THE DAMN PHONE!

4. Out of control tots: Children should be seen and not heard at non-family focused restaurants. They certainly shouldn’t be running amok, drooling on other customers, practicing their karate or sitting on, under or astride the table. Especially if it’s not their family’s. There. I said it!

3. Sending food back: If your food is totally gross, by all means send it back – you’re paying to be fed well. But don’t send back a medium rare steak if you ordered a medium rare steak. NB: Rare meat should be red and cool in the center; medium-rare should be warm but still very pink; well should resemble a hockey puck. Also, don't send back your food because "it tasted different than I expected," or "I didn't realize that there were carrots in it." GROW UP AND DEAL WITH IT!

2. About the failure to check coats: I get that we’re all cutting back in all kinds of crazy ways these days, but if you know you’re dining at the sort of place that offers a coat check, cough up the extra $1 in tip you’ll spend tipping the poor coat-checker gal.

1. Asking waiters what to order: Don’t do it. Asking for recommendations (with guidelines on your likes and dislikes) is one thing – but asking them point blank “What’s good?” isn’t going to get you anywhere. How do they know what you like to eat?"
I personally think that asking a server what is good gives the customer an excuse to send it back and not pay. I have refused to say what is good anymore because 90% of the time the customer never orders what I say, or the other 10% send it back. YOU ARE AN ADULT- PICK WHAT YOU LIKE! The server is not there to hold your hand through the process.

But, we are just waitresses.... what do we know?

A glimpse into my future...

Me in 40 years

Black Card: Now you see it, now you don't

When I was 23, I was a VIP bottle cocktail server at a new club in Vegas. The EASIEST job in the whole world, do not let anyone ever say they work hard at a nightclub- it's just not true. I take that back, the bar backs work hard lugging beer and bottles and dirty glass wear all night, but they are equally compensated for the work they do.
The first AMEX Black card I saw was in this club. The owner racked up a $9,000 bill on tequila and vodka (this is so ridiculous to me... but the more money people spent, the better for me). I always think that if people are so good with their finances to make that much money, why would they be so stupid in the way they spend it... I digress. We ALWAYS get a credit card from the customer on the first bottle they order. When the guy handed me the card, I wasn't even sure it was real; it was heavier and thicker than a regular credit card. And since the only other food and beverage job I had before this was at Outback, I had never had someone pay me with a Black Card.
After being laughed at by co-workers when I asked if this card was real, I was lectured on the importance of this mans worth and bla bla bla. I literally guarded the card with my life after that. I kept periodically checking on it like it was my baby to make sure it was still in our credit card books. I got more and more excited as the night went on and the man kept ordering bottle after bottle. I saw little dollar signs dancing in my head with each bottle of Patron he ordered.
At the end of the night, he asked for his bill - the moment of truth for a cocktail server in a club! Will he be drunk enough to leave you a great tip, but not to drunk that he can't add let alone write on the tiny tip line. I charge his card the $9,000 (who are these people with money to blow like this???) and walk through the dance floor to present him his bill. My stomach has butterflies, I'm giddy with excitement because I know tonight is going to pay my mortgage for the month. As I open the presenter book to check one last time at the bill before I give it to him I see, to my HORROR: THE BLACK CARD IS GONE! NOOOOOO!!! What have I done??? My baby is missing! This guy is going to KILL me! There goes my 20%tip (20% on 9k) - there goes my tip all together!!!
I recruit Big John, our dance floor security to help me find this card, this treasure, the life line to my income - and the owners life line to his income! I retrace my steps: drool over the bill in the back club by register (not there), walk happily through red room (not there, either), the only other place to check- the dance floor, the last obstacle to VIP and the keeper of my tip for the night. So there I found myself with Big John, crouched on the packed dance floor, crying while drunk sweaty tourists danced the night away on my hands as I crawled desperately trying to find this card.

Well, I did find the card. And the guy was drunk enough to tip well, but not too drunk to sign his name to his $10,700 total.

This is the night that I realized that money comes and money goes.... but If you loose someones Black Card - BIG money comes and goes!

But I'm Just a Waitress... What do I know?

don't get fruit with your drinks... dirty hands, dirty fruit

Don't bring your children to a bar

The End

The Coupon Tipper

When people come in to a restaurant to eat alone in Vegas, it really isn't that unusual. There are a lot of conventions in town and many people are forced to visit the City of Sin on their own. There are also the compulsive gamblers that earn points for every hard earned dollar they throw into a slot or table. These "points" can be redeemed for food or trucker hats, or whatever. These sad broke losers also dine alone often. A few weeks ago, however, I had the ever recluse "coupon solo diner." This is the person that is so frugal, they dine alone and use a coupon as to spend the least amount possible for a meal. I think it is a requirement for this species to always bring a paper while dining, ask the price of every alcoholic drink, and make sure to verify that -yes, there are free refills on soda.

My Solo Coupon Guy was pleasant enough, asking for a PBR (in the can of course) and soup to begin with, then a salad. He read the Living section of the paper while he dined. Refusing another beer, he switched to water once he finished. He asked about dessert, but politely refused when he saw the prices ($7 for a brownie Ala mode).

Here's where it gets good. His total bill was $23.89 - not bad for a beer, soup, sandwich and fries (this is Vegas casino prices I'm referring to). When presented with the check, he pulled a $25 Gift Certificate from his person.

*** SIDE NOTE : Your server DOES NOT get to "keep the change" on a gift certificate at a restaurant -the establishment sees this as a profit held for themselves ***

Solo Coupon Guy then proceeded to empty his wallet of all his coupons. He insisted that I "Choose two for my tip." He said I was "Such a wonderful server that I deserved two." When I politely said "That's okay, really, you should keep those, but thank you so much for coming in today." He said, "Here, take this coupon for In&Out it's worth at least $6, and this one too (for like Sweet Potatoes, or Tomatoes... something I've never heard of) they are combined tip of, like, $15... that's a good tip, right?" I politely said, "Thank you, Sir." - Which, as a waitress, you have to, or else YOU get in trouble for your customer being a dumb ass. So, all in all, this guy paid NOTHING, Nada, not one penny for his meal!

So, the next time you go out to eat please remember that the people serving your food are working for MONEY just like you are at your job answering phones, or driving a truck, or extracting a tooth, or whatever you do. Think - if someone offered you $5 off my next oil change to pay for the service you provided what would you do... and remember the server has to smile and say "thank you" no matter what they are given for compensation.

BUT, What do I know... I'm just a Waitress!